A Seventy Five Dollar Hand Job

“Mr. Bentley” by Rebecca Mentz, watercolor on paper. [NOTE: the image of Mr. Bentley was only used because he is a French Bulldog. He is in no way associated with this story!]

I experienced something unique yesterday which I must share with you:

As many of you know, I am very proud of Dash, my 13-year-old, male Golden Retriever. Dash is handsome, intelligent, good-natured, athletic and very sweet. He was given to me by Jim Smathers, a good family friend of my father’s and mine. Vicky & I lost our Cocker Spaniel, Buffy, while we lived in Paris; a few months after his passing, Jimmy and my father decided it was time Vicky & Robert had a new dog. It was a gift of love, for sure! Jimmy has a passion for raising amazing Golden Retriever puppies. He does it – not as a living – but out of enjoyment of the breed. His pups are hand-raised and given a lot of love and attention – and training – in their early lives. Owners are scrutinized and hand-picked. Jimmy & Judy have a pack of 4 or 5 Golden’s living with them at any given time. Because he hunts with his dogs, there is a strong hunting trait throughout most of the offspring. Jimmy’s Golden’s are in big demand across the country.

A few weeks ago, Jimmy mentioned that Dash was the end of the line from the union of Chip (my father’s Golden) and Jessie (one of Jimmy’s all time favorite, beloved females). He told me that if I considered collecting sperm from Dash, Jimmy had a female coming into heat soon and Dash’s legacy would live on. If agreed, he would give me either first pick of the litter or a generous stud fee. I liked the idea and the thought that Dash’s bloodline would live on was my real motivation.

Jimmy explained that he had a vet near his home in Winter Haven, Florida who was an expert in canine reproductive services. He used them for not only collecting sperm but also for artificial insemination.

My first question was Dash’s age. “It could be a problem,” Jimmy answered, “but remember, Dash’s daddy, Chip, was 12-years-old when he sired Dash. But we’ll get a sperm count check first. You can do it either in Jacksonville or do it down here.”

I decided to go to Winter Haven. A road trip to ensure Dash’s legacy AND an opportunity to see my dad!

All stories can be broken down to the good news and the bad news. Here’s mine:

The good news: My vet bill yesterday afternoon was only $75.

The bad news: Poor old Dash is past his prime and shooting mere blanks.

A few weeks before our appointment, the vet sent out an application form explaining the procedures. The vet, under a separate semen bank name, agrees to collect, freeze and store semen samples. An initial base fee covers the initial collection which includes 4 “breeding units” and one year of storage. After that a yearly storage fee is charged.

Dash & I set out for Winter Haven. The idea of taking Tico along for the ride was considered. Tico and Dash are inseparable. Tico is Dash’s Long-Haired Dachshund little brother. He is the Alpha Dog of the two. He has a Napoleonic complex (like many other male Dachshunds). Jimmy says Tico reminds him of the actor Edward G. Robinson, “only Tico  is missing the cigar hanging out of his mouth.”

I imagined Tico in the room with Dash during the performance: “Hey Dash! Are you really going to squeeze anything out of that little thing? Why don’t you step aside and let ME handle this dame? You’re too inexperienced!”

Yeah, better leave Tico at home with Vicky.

As we got close to Winter Haven, I wanted to find Dash a big lunch of oysters on the half shell but due to being in land-locked Central Florida and running a bit late to begin with, we passed on the oyster idea.

We arrived at the vet’s office and were escorted into a back room. There were nitrogen canisters all around the room. Missing were girly doggie photos on the walls to help stimulate the canine donors.

The procedure was quite humorous. The doctor came in and introduced herself. She was accompanied by an assistant who had a small French Bulldog in her arms. Her name was Fierce and she had a small hand towel over her head. The dog, not the assistant. Why the towel? I don’t know. To spare a little humiliation? To remain an anonymous sex object? I cannot speculate here…

The assistant, placed Fierce’s rear end into Dash’s nose while the doctor kneeled down next to Dash. (No, this was not a very high tech procedure.) Dash wagged his tail and smiled as he turned to greet the doctor behind him. “This is so typical of Goldens,” she said to me, “they are more interested in saying hello to me than what is in front of their nose.”

The doctor’s arm was moving. She was on the other side of Dash and combined with the long hair on Dash’s underside,  my view was restricted and I could not see everything that was going on. Again, this was all very low tech…

The doctor focused on her work: “Come on, old buddy, let’s see what you can do…Oh! here’s a little something….OK Dash, give me a little more…that’s a GOOD boy…OH YES…THERE we go!…”

Had it not been for harsh fluorescent lighting in the room, and if I had been sitting in a comfortable chair with an adult beverage of my choice – and maybe a little Bryan Ferry or Barry White on the stereo –  I,  too, might have experienced a slight erection.

Suddenly it was all over and I was back to reality. I guess due to modern times and the general negative feeling towards smoking, no cigarettes were passed out. Excited that “we” had produced a little something – there was a milky white liquid in a test tube the doctor was holding. She ran it under the microscope:

“Just as I suspected…it’s all white blood cells…no sperm…I’m sorry, Dash is unable to produce any offspring. This is not unusual for a dog his age,” she confided with a sympathetic smile.

Feeling a little dejected, Dash & I went to the front counter to pay our bill. Instead of $350, it was only $75.

Once outside the vet’s office and walking over to the car, I looked at Dash who was smiling and happy that we were on our way to new adventures.

“Hey, Buddy, I hope you enjoyed your $75 hand job. Now let’s go find those oysters.”

and now for a little shameless self promotion:

if you liked the image of “Mr. Bentley”, you can see him and many other student paintings at “Student Work: Watercolors by Students of Robert Leedy” throughout the month of July 2017. Artists’ Reception is at Gallery 1037, Reddi-Arts, 1037 Hendricks Avenue, Jacksonville, Florida Sunday, July 16th, 2 pm – 4 pm. Free to the public. Live music. Refreshments will be served.

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