Perhaps Technology Needs to Go Back to English Class?

Reminder Rosie.

Mom is turning 90 in January. Her memory is fading. She lives in a retirement community – in their independent living section. She lives alone but handles things well. I organize her pills weekly and try to make sure she keeps up with them. I load them into one of those weekly pill boxes with all of the days of the week labeled with two slots for each day, AM and PM. It never fails – there are always three or four times – morning or night – that she forgets to take her pills – they are still in their little compartments.

“Mom, you HAVE TO TAKE YOUR PILLS, ” I tell her.

“I AM taking them! WHY do you say I am not?”

“Mom, I’m simply doing the math. It’s totally obvious that you are forgetting to take your pills.”

Despite me holding the partially empty container in from of her, she looks at me as though I am invading her privacy and scans the room for hidden cameras.

“Look Mom, if you cannot keep up with your daily pill regimen, then maybe this is a sign that you might not be able to live independently and we might have to look into Assisted Living…”

This usually starts an argument. It’s not fun.

I know there has to be some sort of tech gadget that can help me out. I Google “pill reminders” and find several examples on Amazon. There are two that catch my attention: one simple one and another more advanced one. I order both.

The first one arrives and it is simple to program and operate. I take it to Mom and she is thrilled.

“OK, Mom, we now have a tool to help you remember. Would you agree that if you cannot faithfully follow your pill regimen from here on, we will look at an alternative plan?”

“Oh, this will be a BIG help,” she answered.

She called me the next morning:

“I woke up and this strange voice in the kitchen was speaking very loudly; when I went in there, I realized it was my pill reminder.”

“So, did you take your pills?”

“I sure did! Thank you so much…I really think this will work well for me.”

I thought about canceling the order on the other pill reminder that had not arrived yet. Then I decided not to – that we would choose which one was better – or – maybe two reminders was better than one!”

Reminder Rosie arrived in the mail a few days later.

Rosie was more expensive and she was a little more involved. Her instruction sheet, measuring 22″ x 11″, two-sided, in English and Spanish, with small print and many diagrams was a little daunting. I looked for a Quick Start Guide which I have become accustomed to and found none.

Unlike the simpler pill reminder, Rosie had room for 25 individually – and personally – recorded messages for your loved one to hear on a programmable schedule, with lots of customization available. I’ve become a pro at programming my digital thermostat and I figured this would be a breeze to set up. I decided it was best to take it to Mom’s house before I programmed it.

Reminder Rosie recommends writing down all reminders beforehand.

“OK, Mom, so which reminders do you need beyond your daily pills?”

“I don’t know.” She looked at me and shrugged her shoulders.

“We can program anything: take your pills, change your air filters, remember a birthday, pay your bills, take the garbage out, remember a dinner date, visit your probation officer…”

She gave me a blank stare. “I guess remind me to take my pills.”

Reminder Rosie’s instructions kept mentioning “waking” her up with, “Hello Reminder Rosie”. Despite no Quick Start Guide, there was an encouragement to get started verbally.

I loaded her three AAA batteries thinking that would wake her up. I was thinking I really preferred programming her manually and the fact that she did not respond to the batteries was a good sign. I can thoroughly accomplish the job manually.

I plugged Reminder Rosie in and woke her up with, “Hello Reminder Rosie.”

She responded and I began setting the time, the date, and the year verbally. She had a consistent problem with the minutes and never heard me correctly. If I said “8:00 AM”, she would confirm, “8:40 AM?” After a few back and forths of heated exchanges, I resigned to 8:40 AM.

Yes, Rosie went to the same English classes as the voice prompts used by Comcast and AT&T:

“Hello. Welcome to ______________. Please state what you would like to do. It could be something like, ‘I’d like to scratch my balls’ or ‘Pay my bill’.”

“Tech Support.”

“I think you said, ‘Tax the War’: would you like to continue?”

“TECHNICAL SUPPORT!”

“OK, I’ll direct you to the Company Store…Please hold…”

“TECHNICAL SUPPORT!”

“Oh, I see you would like to pay your bill, is that correct?”

“SPEAK TO A REPRESENTATIVE!”

“I’m sorry, that is an unrecognizable option…”

“SPEAK – TO – A – FUCKING – REPRESENTATIVE!”

“Dude, calm down, I will connect you now…you don’t have to be such an A Hole!”

I programmed Reminder Rosie with reminders I could immediately think of:

“Good morning , Mom! It’s time to take your pills.”
“Hey Mom, it’s time to go to bed AND while you’re at it, take your pills.”
“Mom, today is Vicky’s birthday.”
“Hi Mom, guess whose birthday is today?” [Mine]
[In a low, scratchy, sleazy voice] “Hey baby, get up and let’s go drink some tequila shooters and have some fun.” [Mom’s birthday]

I ran out of ideas.

I kissed Mom and headed home.

Vicky and I were watching TV when a call came in around 8:30 pm: The recognizable, “Unidentified Caller” told me it was Mom. HOW her number got that designation, I have no idea. Usually, my unwanted callers are labeled “Suspected Spam” or “No Caller ID”.

I answered the phone:

“Hi Mom.”

I had her on speakerphone.

“Robert?” A loud, almost unintelligible voice in the background interfered with our conversation: