Despite NASA’s Disappointing Moon Probe, Georgia Resident Makes Breakthrough Discovery

By ORSON WELLES
Published: October 8, 2009

MARIETTA, GA — NASA may have struck out on this morning’s Moon “Shot” in their attempt to find ice but Marietta, GA resident Robert Leedy has made a remarkable breakthrough discovery that may drastically change future missions to the moon and radically change schoolbook science texts forever.

“Hell, if it was just ice they was lookin’ for,” Leedy spoke to reporters in front of his trailer, “all they had to do was go over to Whitlock Package ’cause they got a 24 hour ice machine. All you do is stick your money in the machine and out comes the ice. You can even carry your cooler over there and fill it up.  Sometimes it runs out on Friday nights but I figured on Friday mornings at 7:30 am when they [NASA] blasted that rocket off it shoulda been full as all get out!”

Leedy, an artist who sells his velvet paintings on Highway 41 near WalMart, says his discovery was partly by chance: “I was tossin’ and turnin’ in bed – sufferin’ from a bad case of heartburn from last night’s pizza; I kept surfin’ through the channels to find a Jerry Springer rerun and stopped when I saw an amazin’ pitcher [sic] of the moon. It verified my suspicions…”

That picture was an enhanced live shot of the moon from NASA. The image feed was broadcast live all over the world. Part of NASA’s LCROSS (which stands for Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite) project, two spacecraft were launched towards the moon in an effort to find traces of water. The first spacecraft, traveling well over speeds of 5,000 mph, slammed into the moon’s surface around 7:30 a.m. EST while the second spacecraft was due to fly in close and get readings from the resulting plume of debris which was expected to rise an estimated 6 miles above the lunar surface. The highly anticipated event fell quite short of spectacular.

“Heck, I didn’t see nuttin’,” Leedy recalled, “but then just as I wuz fixin’ to change the channels, I seen somethin’ that rose the hairs on my back – somethin’ I believed was there all along.”

Leedy refers to his belief that the moon is populated by trolls. These creatures, he says, are human-like in form and highly intelligent. He claims the Moon Pies (a name he personally developed for the so-called moon inhabitants) look exactly like the ugly dolls with long, frizzy hair that were so popular during the early 1960’s. “And it’s no accident they look just like the real thing,” Leedy adds. Leedy says the dolls were sent to earth at that time to brace the Earth’s population for the shocking revelation that there was, in fact, “smarter dudes in the universe than we wuz.”  Leedy believes the Vietnam War, the Civil Rights Movement, Slinky’s, Super Balls, Hot Pants, Rubix Cubes, and Lynnard Skynard distracted us from that very important omen.

“My mama used to point up at the moon and ask me if I could see The Man in the Moon. I never could but when I seen them troll dolls for the first time, it was like a Supreme Bean [sic] was talkin’ to me.”

Though there were no visible signs of explosions from NASA’s live closeup shot of the moon, Leedy jumped up, grabbed his Polaroid Swinger camera and took a shot of the TV’s broadcasted image. “Lucky I just got cable – them rabbit ears a never allowed me a pitcher [sic] this good!”

Leedy scanned the photo and uploaded it into his computer. He is developing highly sophisticated imaging software – in conjunction with his velvet painting business – that deals with sharpening filters and image enhancers. He has already signed deals with the CIA, Google, and Joe Francis, creator of “Girls Gone Wild”.

“I figure NASA’s gonna be knockin’ on my door when they see this here pitcher [sic].”

Leedy tweaked the NASA image until the image he suspected was there all along became clearer. It shows the head of one of those troll dolls from the 60’s. “Now this ain’t exactly a real person,” Leedy explains, “but I figure it’s like one of them statues they got in Egypt – like the Sphincter [sic]. It’s a monument to the Moon Pie People and it’s probably in a popular vacation place like our Branson, Missouri where they got rides, shows, corn dogs and stuff.”

When the NASA rocket slammed into the moon this morning, Leedy fears there may be retributions from the Moon Pies. “It probably really pissed ’em off real good,” Leedy laments, “not only did we blowed up their fun, they wuz just gettin’ over us ignorin’ them in the 60’s. I’d be pissed too!”

When asked how to handle the situation, Leedy offers this: “We need to set up a dial log [sic] with the Moon Pies and have a Pow Wow with ’em. Maybe the President could invite ’em down for a beer. I would be available to act as a go between and I could help the President pick out some good beers (Whitlock Package has got a BIG beer sale going on now!) – we could even replace the ice we blowed up.”

Leedy says he is totally committed to a strengthening of ties between the Humans & The Moon Pies. Anyone interested in contributing to the cause can go to Leedy’s web site Robert Leedy Art.Com where you can purchase a painting through PayPal.

Leedy says a portion of all painting sales will go towards the cause. “In all of my pitchers [sic] they is images of Moon Pie folks; You may not be able to readily identify ’em but they’s there. I promise.” He is pondering T-shirt sales but none are in the works at the moment.

Leedy says none of this would have come about without this morning’s images from NASA. He has second thoughts, however, on NASA’s motives:

“Retribution consequences aside, it was a dumb idea to begin with. Tax payers are really gonna be fumin’ over this one. It was kinda like target shootin’ a dead deer corpse on the side of the road on State Road 381; I’ll never figure that one out…”

Marietta, GA resident Robert Leedy enhanced NASA’s images of the moon explosion this morning to reveal that life on the moon does exist.