“Voting? Got ID?”

Don’t forget to vote Tuesday.

Remember, take a valid form of identification to the polls tomorrow. This is very important. You can be fancy and take a driver’s license as I have elected to do – or you can take any number of documentations, provided, your REAL name and your CURRENT address are specified on said document. A PHOTO ID IS NOT REQUIRED AND IT IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL FOR SOMEONE TO ASK YOU FOR ONE! Besides, who really looks like their driver’s license photo anyway?

Now, if you happen to have a piece of paper saying your address is, say, somewhere in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico, this will NOT suffice (sea suficiente): Remember, (this is also very important) the address on the document must be somewhere in the precinct you are voting!

You might want to take a backup form of ID – as I am doing. Make sure this second document has a name that matches the first one. The address can be different than the first – just make sure it is SOMEWHERE WITHIN THE SAME PRECINCT YOU ARE VOTING.

I’m tired of these whiny ACLU lame excuses as to WHY someone can show up to vote without a legal photo ID! As I have said before, you can get a photo ID in most states even if you do not drive – AND – it costs less than a cellphone and a little bit more than a Blockbuster Video movie rental. Again, our government is barking up the wrong tree: Just as they sat and puzzled over what they were going to do with so many illegal aliens while thousands are streaming across barrier free borders, Now they are scratching their heads and wondering which machines or polling methods reduce the fraud element while thousands of dead people are voting along with other people who ain’t really who they say they are. I am reminded of a case in point – a true story – back in my underage years when I carried a Florida driver’s license with my picture on it – only with my friend’s name on it, address and legal aged birthdate. At that time, they were new in the photo ID business and the State of Florida finally got wise and figured out that a Voter’s Registration or Social Security card was not a sure fire method of ID’ing someone.

Rule #1: If you don’t have a driver’s license or State issued photo ID or passport, then you do not vote. Rather than have a separate Voter ID card, put that Voter ID # on your driver’s license or one of the other two. A Voter Registration card complete with a photo ID comes to mind but that’s just another card for us absentminders to lose. ID’s at the polls should also be checked twice by two separate people.

Let’s then thank our senior citizens for their volunteer work at the polls. But it is time to give them pink slips and hire some really scary-looking dudes to check ID’s. I’m thinking big guys wearing police SWAT team black attire with large automatic rifles, side arms, a couple of hand grenades and maybe the Jack Bauer type briefcase opened up on a table with the vials of truth serum chemicals and various electrical gadgets in case the former doesn’t work too well….

wait a minute…

OK, we don’t want people feeling intimidated while they vote, so let’s leave the big guys in black OUTSIDE (checking ID’s) and let’s have the sweet, smiling, non-threatening senior citizens directing people INSIDE and pipe in some Brahms or some syrupy Yanni on the stereo. We can have someone serving coffee and cinnamon buns while another doles out hugs and tells people how wonderfully patriotic it was of them to show up and exercise their right to vote.

And instead of the nerdy little sticker that says, “I VOTED TODAY” why not borrow from the Iraqis and make everyone stick their thumbs into the little jar of purple ink? It will stain your thumb for three days but it will also tell the bad dudes out front that you have already been in here (or another polling station) today and you cannot go back in for any reason – period! But the real beauty of the purple thumb is that, at the end of the day, those without purple thumbs should certainly feel like scumballs for NOT voting. And those WITH purple thumbs can be proud.

Regarding the counting methods: This is an area we need to work out. I think that hand counting is what it’s going to have to boil down to. I’m surprised none of our American entrepreneurial geniuses has figured this out. Why not have a national multi-million dollar prize for the person with the best solution? We also need a Voting Czar. No, second thought, maybe we don’t. Let’s just hire some kids from Junior Achievement and stick them in the back room to count whatever it is we want to represent one vote. I think we need to retire chads just like it was probably a good time for Pete Rose to retire. Well, sort of retire…

I will present my taped up driver’s license (below) when I go to vote tomorrow. If anyone tells me that it is not a proper form of ID, I will tell them that it is unconstitutional to ask me for a photo ID; Next, I will present them with my electric bill (which is currently a legal form of ID in the voting booth) which will settle the whole matter in a pitiful, absurd way. My point well made.

Please vote tomorrow,

ABOUT THE ARTWORK: None of the image below has been altered; however, the photo was masked to protect the identity of the author. Unauthorized use of this image will land your ass in court. The image artist apologizes for the crudeness of the craftsmanship in the blocking of the photo but have you ever shopped for red tape? Outside of Washington, D.C., it’s quite difficult to find. Are you aware that red duct tape is practically your only choice? What? You didn’t know that red duct tape was available? Yes, you can find it in Home Depot. Back to craftsmanship: Have you ever tried to neatly cut [red] duct tape with the only pair of dull scissors you could find in the kitchen? On the other hand, this was intentional – I kind of liked the raw criminality effect that the crudeness of the cut tape gave and feel that it adds to the overall sinister air of fraudulent voting…

My Voting ID

[November 2007 Update:] Georgia law now requires voters to present a valid photo ID before casting their votes. It’s about time!

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